Ok, so I made the word "purposations" up, but I think it works.
Even before I officially joined the working world I had begun my struggle with the purpose of my working life and What To Do With It. My personal life has been more than excellent - after all, my family is awesome and I struck gold with my first relationship which by no means is perfect but satisfies me like no other would. But the working life of a person is a different matter, and if you're not sure what your Purpose in life is, it can be quite a challenge.
In college I came to the realisation that I was not truly cut out to be a scene designer. After all, why pursue a career which involves carpentry when one really doesn't have the inclination for woodworking at all? I became aware of the satisfaction of leaving my designs on the paper, rearranging it on the paper, developing and cutting back on the paper. I have always had art in my life, from the very beginning - after all my grandmother is a superb artist and my mom followed suit in school (a fact I did not know until a couple of years ago).
Entering the working world did not give me a boost of confidence - I had no admin skills to speak of and I didn't have any training in graphic design. I temped while gaining experience, and while temping I took some classes to explore graphic design. Through a roundabout way I ended up in an admin job with graphic design responsibilities. Four and a half years after I graduated from college, I finally have some skills and experience which I can market.
But it has always puzzled me. I have always been encouraged to do what I love, and not to settle. But adulthood and now marraige has made me face up to the fact that as adults we do not always have that luxury. I believe you can always change where you are and what you're doing, but it's hard. Should I choose to leave my current job at some moment in the future, I have to weigh the two opportunities together. Priority, unfortunately, is salary. I resent the fact that my job choices are now more limited in a way, essentially to what the salary is. The irony is that my choices also have expanded. I have, in the past, found jobs that I would love to do, that are filled with possibilities, but I didn't have the experience to get them. That was when I was willing to take a lower paying job to get the experience and to work in an environment which sounded great. Now I have a mortgage and a husband and a car payment, and I simply have to take those into account. I do not resent any of it. No, I wanted those things and I still want those things and I don't want to change any of it. My family and personal life are priority, and I will do what it takes to maintain that. That reasoning alone, beginning during the past couple of years, shows me I have truly begun to make the leap into maturity.
But.
I still have this incessant little voice in my head. It's the voice of people who have always encouraged me and told my generation to do what makes them happy. Are you truly fulfilled in your job? Does this job make you happy? Is this what you envisioned? And the answers are - sort of, kind of, and no. I have so many things I want to pursue: writing, photography, design, art/painting. And I can and will pursue those things. But can I apply those to a job? Sure, but I need experience, training, practice.
I have found the working world to be different to what I expected coming out of school. I feel like I'm still in the mind of a child - I don't want to do that, do I have to do that, this isn't part of my job, this isn't part of my dream. But the adult part somehow wins over and I do it. My company is good to me. They treat their employees right and I do have some flexibility with hours and my job description - I'm doing a lot of their graphic work. This makes it hard to think about leaving. There is a certain level of comfort now.
When asked what I want to do as my dream job, I have a hard time answering. Something creative and challenging and busy. Right now, I've accumulated enough skills that employers will at least take a look at me. And I will continue to broaden my skills and my passions and interests. But my secret hope is that one day, my dream job will just cross my current path and it will set me on a new path. One that will give my Working Life some Purpose, and one that will challenge me and keep me busy. Maybe one day I will figure out What To Do With My Working Life, and be satisfied.
7 comments:
I really need to learn to be less verbose. Geez.
Hi dear...been having similar thoughts over the last year or two (maybe even since I got the first condo)...I finally got to the conclusion that made sense and VERY recently became at peace with that conclusion. I chased the career ladder for several years, not getting anywhere fast and discovered that it's not the job or responsibilities that I was striving for, it was the challenge. I'm finally in a place where I'm satisfied with being challenged at my job, even though it's frustrating to be moving at such a rapid pace all the time. But I'd honestly rather be challenged in a less than ideal job than not challenged in my dream job. Does that make any sense? As for money...and the need for money, well I personally think it sucks! I don't enjoy that my job choices will always be dictated by my current debt but that's just life and I've come to grips with it. My big, lofty purpose in life is really just to be a good person...not a good person with an awesome job...just a good person in respects to being a wife, daughter, friend, confidante, etc. I think those goals (at least for me) will be the legacy that I leave behind. I'd like to think that if I were to die tomorrow (morbid), I'd like to think that people thought I was a good friend, good wife, etc....and not someone who had money, cars, etc.
Man...all of your posts get me thinking quite a bit (and distracted at my job!).
:-)
I hope I didn't come across as wanting money and seeing that as a career objective. It's really not a priority for me, just to try and keep it at a good level for us financially. I equate more money with more responsibility and I don't necessarily want that. It's more the battle about doing what you have to vs. doing what you want. I wonder if there is a generational thing too?
this whole thing kind of got decided for me. all i knew when i was working for the buck was "this is NOT it."
I totally knew you weren't talking about being money hungry or anything like that. But I definitely agree with wanting to have enough to be financially stable. That's what I want for us too, but I'm also to the point where I really just want enough to be comfortable and not chase a career. Sort of sounds like a cop-out for not chasing after a career, but it's not my highest priority anymore, ya know?
I'm in a slightly sticky situation here, because I went to school for business, and that's what I'm doing. Starbucks allows us to run our stores like our own small business (if you have a good DM and without all the scary fiscal responsibility of a small business). However, my emphasis in my degree was Entrepreneurship, and I still long to open my own business. Unfortunately, my next promotion, which will be a good one, is just in reach. So, no business for me, but I'm such a realist, that I can put aside all that other crap (i.e. emotions, dreams and whatnot) and just be happy with where I am. I guess that's a little sad for me, but I'm okay with that. I like financial security.
Very true, Beer Farmer...the comfort factor of being in a place for any length of time is a big part of any decision-making. Especially for a career. You know your peers, your role, etc. To pick up and move to something completely knew is scary and can cause a person to choose against the unknown. Is it wrong to enjoy being comfortable? I don't think so...but is it always the best? I guess that would have to depend on your personality and how much risk you think you can handle.
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